Why are Brent’s eyes closed and is he sniffing his dog’s head?

I am aware that I might appear a little unusual to folks at meetings. I am autistic and I have post-traumatic stress disorder [PTSD]. It is difficult to say where one starts and the other ends, but both produce a great amount of stress and anxiety along with processing and sensory difficulties. These difficulties are exacerbate in situations such as meetings. Of course meetings are a regular part of my job as a program director and I have worked continuously to find ways to adapt my ability to participate to assure that I am able to listen, to give feedback and not become so overwhelmed that I accomplish neither.

I know how to appear in meetings in a socially acceptable manner with the handshakes, eye contact and thoughtful head nodding. I understand those sorts of social conventions make people feel comfortable, however they are not the best way for me to participate. For example, eye contact is uncomfortable, even painful to me and as is being touched by people I don’t know well, even handshakes. It is important to understand as well that I cannot process too many words, either verbally or written, all at once. Words cease making sense to me when I’m not given time to sort and process what is being said. When I’m asked a question, I need time to process before I can answer. And the noise of too many voices, or too much fluorescent light, or someone sitting too close to me can distract me to the point where I am no longer able to engage in what is being discussed.

Over the last year or so I have made a conscious effort to drop the mimicry and find different ways to engage which work for best me. First off there is my constant companion, my dog Mona. Mona is my support animal; she helps me feel less anxious, more grounded and much more in the moment. Despite her gentle looks, she is serious about maintaining our space. And I do sniff the top of her head. It comforts me. Also I make very little eye contact and usually only enough to make others understand that I am listening. It is easier for me to pay attention to someone when I am not making eye contact. I try to position my chair so that I’m facing slightly away from people. PTSD dictates that I sit with a wall at my back. It feels safer. I know shaking hands is social convention, but it might or might not happen. I have found lately that closing my eyes helps my concentration a great deal as does rocking gently in my chair.

I imagine being in a meeting with someone with his eyes closed, rocking back and forth while occasionally sniffing his dog’s head might not be what folks are used to experiencing, but mimicking social convention does not really work for me anymore.The ultimate goal of meetings is communication and while I may present myself in an unconventional manner, it is because I am interested in engagement. I’m very interested in what you have to say.

[Brent White is Autistic. He designs and directs adult programs for intellectually and developmentally disabled adults for the non-profit Ala Costa Centers in Berkeley, California].